The Worldly Poop

Comedy writers always ask the tough questions. Or at least the questions that nobody else asks. Is it just me or do people grunting while pooping make you uncomfortable? I always feel a little weird when the stall next door is full of:

Phtttttp.

Ahhhh…

Phhhhtttp.

Errrr…..

Phhhhhhhhttttttttpppppppp…

AHHHHHHH!

 SPLASH. SPLASH. SPLASH.

YES! YES! YES!

And of course you get the picture.  It’s like they have to prove their manhood over the shit. It sort of weirds me out to hear someone grunting away like they are wrestling a bear in the next stall over. I always thought men were noisy poopers.  That was until I went to Germany. Life was much quieter in Berlin. My wife and I noticed the noise difference right away. We would be in a crowded subway platform and hear noises like the rustle of a newspaper or scuff of a shoe on pavement. In New York, the equivalent subway platform crowd would sound like Muppets being squeezed in the Death Star’s trash compactor.

Kermit: Shut down all the trash compactors on the detention level!

R2Animal2 and CFozziO are smoking a joint. R2Animal2 blows out a big puff of smoke.

CFozziO: Waka… waka… that’s funny shit man.

Sounds of Muppets death permeate the room.

CFozziO: Deep man… fucking deep.

R2Animal2 drools.

The volume level is just lower in Germany. My wife and I started talking quietly while we where there. We talked at what would be conspiratorial levels in the USA because if we talked any louder, we would stick out. And judging by the fact that a man asked us to sign a petition on the subway platform, I think we did a good job blending in. Well, at least until they heard us talk.

Me: Svien Curry Verst Bitter mitt pomme French fries.

Translation: I’m an American. Give me anything and I’ll smile and nod.

The German pooping experience was completely different from back home. I’m used to the apocalypse happening in the stall next door back home. In Berlin… nothing. A crowded bathroom. And truly no noise. Sure, there was the occasional rustle of toilet paper and maybe a shift but it was truly a place where you can poop in quiet. I loved it. I never felt awkward while the heavy breathing guy in the next stall ruined what should be a relaxing poop.

I’m not really the travel writer but why don’t the travel blogs and shows cover pooping? Pooping is quite literally something we all have to do, every day! Wouldn’t it be nice to know what to expect. I mean Germany was a five star poop-not only were they quiet but they were pristine as most of the toilets were self cleaning!  Whereas I’ve been to other places hovering over the seat and wondering what kind of foul poop dwelling bugs could jump.

So Lonely Planet, if you are reading this post, write more about places to poop! We clueless travelers need to know! Or pay me to travel around the world and I’ll poop in every country. Either way, I think this is a very important issue. Write your congress person today! Tell them you care about poop and not about these stupid issues like debt ceiling, gun control, and healthcare.