Check that DEI box by offering ways your company can spread awareness issues facing fantasy races.
1. Murderous Humanoid Sensitivity Training – Saruman really delt a blow for all the humanoid races by hiring only the murderous orcs. Don’t be so quick to judge an orc Grak the Conquerer with a belt of human skulls and a giant cleaver. Those could be skulls that he uses when he teaches Anatomy and Physiology during his part time adjunct position at the local community college. The cleaver could be shaving equipment, and now he’s embarrassed by pointing out that excess of body hair.
2. Dwarf Alcoholism Awareness – Most people think that dwarves are binge drinking, tankard slamming, rowdy folks swimming in ale and ready to pick a fight. That’s pretty much right. This training involves teaching all the dwarves where the local taverns are located, what direction to run when the cops show up, and which places don’t really screen people at the door for booze on the breath and stop serving them after being visibly drunk.
3. The Pointy Ear Workshop – From the White guy who awkwardly gave you the Native American Workshop where he obviously put together a PowerPoint without consulting a single indigenous person and only using Wikipedia comes The Pointy Ear Workshop which aims to settle the question are they sexy Legolas types who bear a remarkable resemblance to Vulcans, which are both the low hanging fruit of Sci Fi/Fantasy (60s TV producer with a cigar in the mouth: What? You need a nonhuman, put some pointy ears on it. That’ll make it nonhuman), or are elves the festive Santa variety that really was Santa’s way of avoiding a child labor lawsuit (Santa: What? No… those aren’t children. Their elves. Can’t you see the pointy ears?)
4. Speak like Smeagol Lunch and Learn – You’ll learn how to call the fried chicken at the office potluck crunchable birdses. Imagine the good-natured barbs when you go into the board meeting and accuse them all of being tricky hobbitses. Especially when you scream at the CFO who was cooking the books and inflating the numbers, “Thieves! He stoles it from us!” You’ll also get to wear loin cloths as culturally appropriate work clothes.
5. Ancient Wise Wizard Relations – Nothing’s more timely than old White guys telling us how they think they should run things. You’ll learn tactics like pat on the head and saying things like “but grandpa hot dogs haven’t been that cheap in Chicago since 1972.” Or “Education costs a little more than you can reasonably pay while working at McDonald’s” Or “Immigrants aren’t amassing at the border to enforce sharia law at the pickle ball leagues.” But then as soon as you leave the room, the guy will crack their neck and reveal that they were Gandalf the whole time, and they had only faked being clueless because the true threat that’s facing the country is literacy and no one reading books anymore. And the Balrog hates literacy.
6. Hobbit Carrying Info Session – How can anyone forget Samwise’s epic moment when he proclaims, “I can’t carry it for you, but I can carry you.” On the off chance that you find yourself on the way to Mount Doom and your hobbit friend succumbs to the burden he is carrying, this training offers a way to safely carry a hobbit without straining your back because back injuries are no joking matter. They are the most common type of workplace accident, and even though carrying little fantasy races may seem like it’s offensive, trust me when I say that the Hobbit Carrying Info Session, Dwarf Tossing 101, and Gnome juggling are the most popular offerings.
7. Fae Folk Harassment Seminar – Nothing is more offensive to a Fae than being harassed, even though pixies and fairies prank with mischievous grins and wry smiles. Remember, it’s okay to ask the office pixy to coffee but if she says no or uses fairy dust, that means she’s not interested, and asking anymore times is harassment. Even if she catches you in compromising positions when you are under your desk looking for that power strip and flutters away with a light giggle. You really have to stop ogling her when she undoes your belt strap, and your pants fall down during that important presentation to the partners. Just stop thinking about it when she sends you photos she took of you when you were sleeping with red x’s over your wife. Don’t even think about talking about it over tea when you wake up tied up in a basement with her humming a Johnny Cash tune while wearing a wedding dress and caressing your cheek softly with a knife.
Considering that last one took a really dark turn, I thought I’d leave you with something more lighthearted. Please welcome the Starlight City Gnome Jugglers:
Several figures dressed in black body suits take the stage. They are juggling gnomes.
Juggler One: Hup. Hup. Ha!
He tosses a gnome across the stage to another juggler.
Gnome: Aieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Juggler Two: Hup. Hup. Ha!
Another gnome goes flying.
Gnome: Aieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Juggler Three: Hup. Hup. Ha!
Gnome: Aieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
If you enjoyed this email, please consider any of the books below:
Orcs invading Portland, a warg in the janitor’s closet, black ooze dissolving the gym teacher: a typical day for the students of Beaverton High and their fearless teaching assistant.
Petra thought working for her old high school was the worst thing that could happen to her—until a magical disease infected her son.
Meanwhile, the Barbarians Breakfast Club faces creatures invading their high school and murdering their classmates and principal. Okay, so maybe the latter isn’t that bad.
The phenomena intensify, and soon, it is not just the high school that’s infested with murderous creatures. So, our hapless heroes must seek aid from old allies and enemies.
Find out if Portland can survive in the second Misfits of Carnt novel.
Necromantic rituals, murderous ogres, battle-scarred rangers: not a typical Saturday detention for unsuspecting teaching assistant Petra and her delinquent teen charges.
The Beaverton High School Breakfast Club show up for what they thought would be cleaning the locker room with a toothbrush when the morning goes horribly wrong, and they fall victim to a deadly, dark spell.
Some jerkwad moon mage shoves the consciousness of Petra’s three-year-old into the body of a musclebound barbarian, and she is transformed into a halfling.
The kids get stuck as a cleric, fire mage, and other stalwarts of your typical fantasy gaming party.
Now they must quest through a land of pissed-off warriors, angry giants, a pompous vampire, and a necromancer out to kill Petra and her child.
Despite being in a world where everything threatens to shuffle off her mortal coil, the hardest part is convincing a hulked-out man that the battle axe is not a toy, the undead are not cuddly, and he should use the potty.
Time Burrito 